finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
