Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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