I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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