He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
