wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
