3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just cut my nipple shaving
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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