i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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