i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
