i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
