we should wear snuggies to the strip club
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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