ya dads aren't the best wingmen
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Randomize
