Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I checked into jail on foursquare
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You pole danced in your parka.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
