I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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