Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
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