I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
