Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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