he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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