We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
