Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
