if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
