i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
im holly from the hills drunk
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
