it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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