I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
