I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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