dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
