mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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