im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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