girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
