I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
