I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
