just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
two words: eviction party
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
