I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
