I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
