I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Who died my cat blue again?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
