so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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