i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
