i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
