it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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