South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
