after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
