Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
