I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Randomize
