yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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