i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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