biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
