im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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