Bisexual people are plain selfish.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
