Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
