Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
