I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
