Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize