I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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