I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
