Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
