I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize