a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize