It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
