every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
can u get pink eye on your cock?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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