I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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