if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I didn't notice because vodka
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
