I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
